10 ways you can stop screwing up your kids

10 ways you can stop screwing up yur kids10 ways you can stop screwing up yur kidsWhen you ask parents what they want for their kids, whats usually the fruchtwein common reply? They want their children to be happy. ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for mora Joyful Kids and Happier Parents. . . the well-being of children is mora important to adults than just about anything else- health care, the well-being of seniors, the cost of living, terrorism, and the war in Iraq. More than two-thirds of adults say they are extremely concerned about the well-being of children, and this concern cuts across gender, income, ethnicity, age, and political affiliation.Now therestons of info on raisingsmart kidsandsuccessful kids, but how do you raisehappykids?Sometimes its hard to balance whats best for children with what makes them happy - but the two dont have to be mutually exclusive.Happier kids are mora likely to turn into successful, accomplished adults.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parentshappiness is a tremendous advantage in a world that emphasizes performance. On average, happy people are mora successful than unhappy people at both work and love. They get better performance reviews, have mora prestigious jobs, and earn higher salaries. They are mora likely to get married, and once married, they are mora satisfied with their marriage.So looking at the science, what really works when it comes to raising happy kids?Step 1 Get happy yourselfThe first step to happier kids is, ironically, a little bit selfish.How happy you are affects how happy and successful your kids are - dramatically.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsExtensive research has established a substantial link between mothers who feel depressed and negative outcomes in their children, such as acting out and other behavior problems. Parental depression actually seems to cause behavioral problems in kids it also makes our par enting less effective.And this is bedrngnis merely due to genetics.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parentsalthough the study did find that happy parents are statistically more likely to have happy children, it couldnt find any genetic component.So whats the first step to being a happier you? Take some time each week to have fun with friends.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsBecause laughter is contagious, hang out with friends or family members who are likely to be laughing themselves. Their laughter will get you laughing too, although it doesnt even need to in reservierung to lighten your mood. Neuroscientists believe that hearing another person laugh triggers mirror neurons in a region of the brain that makes listeners feel as though they are actually laughing themselves.More scientific methods for increasing your happiness here.Step 2 Teach them to build relationshipsNobody denies learning about rela tionships is important - but how many parents actually spend the time to teach kids how to relate to others?(Just saying Hey, knock it off when kids dont get along really doesnt go far in building essential people skills.)It doesnt take a lot.It can abflug with encouraging kids to perform small acts of kindness to build empathy.This not only builds essential skills and makes your kids better people, research shows over the long haul it makes them happier.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsMultiple sclerosis (MS) patients who were trained to provide compassionate, unconditional positive regard for other MS sufferers through monthly fifteen-minute telephone calls showed pronounced improvement in self-confidence, self-esteem, depression, and role functioning over two years. These helpers were especially protected against depression and anxiety.More on creating good relationships here.Step 3 Expect effort, not perfectionNote to perfectionist he licopter parents and Tiger Moms cool it.Relentlessly banging the achievement drum messes kids up.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsParents who overemphasize achievement are more likely to have kids with high levels of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse compared to other kids.The research is very consistent Praise effort, not natural ability.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsThe majority of the kids praised for their intelligence wanted the easier puzzle they werent going to risk making a mistake and losing their status as smart. On the other hand, more than 90 percent of growth mind-set-encouraged kids chose a harder puzzle.Why? Dweck explains When we praise children for the effort and hard work that leads to achievement, they want to keep engaging in that process. They are not diverted from the task of learning by a concern with how smart they might - or might not - look.More on praising c orrectly here.Step 4 Teach optimismWant to avoid dealing with a surly teenager? Then teach those pre-teens to look on the bright side.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsTen-year-olds who are taught how to think and interpret the world optimistically are half as prone to depression when they later go through puberty.Author Christine Carter puts it simply Optimism is so closely related to happiness that the two can practically be equated.She compares optimists to pessimists and finds optimistsAre more successful at school, work and athleticsAre healthier and live longerEnd up more satisfied with their marriagesAre less likely to deal with depression and anxietyMore on how to encourage optimism here.Step 5 Teach emotional intelligenceEmotional intelligence is a skill, not an inborn trait.Thinking kids will just naturally come to understand their own emotions (let alone those of others) doesnt set them up for success.A simple first step here is to Empathize, Label and Validate when theyre struggling with anger or frustration.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsMolly I am SO SO SO MAD AT YOU.Me You are militrischer abschirmdienst at me, very mad at me. Tell me about that. Are you also feeling disappointed because I wont let you have a playdate right now?Molly YES I want to have a playdate right NOW.Me You seem sad. (Crawling into my lap, Molly whimpers a little and rests her head on my shoulder.)Relate to the child, help them identify what they are feeling and let them know that those feelings are okay (even though bad behavior might not be).More on active listening and kennzeichnung (and how hostage negotiators use this) here.Step 6 Form happiness habitsWere on step 6 and it might seem like this is already a lot to remember for you - let alone for a child. We can overcome that with good habits.Thinking through ansicht methods is taxing but acting habitually is easy, once habits hav e been established.How do you help kids build lasting happiness habits? Carter explains a few powerful methods backed by researchStimulus removal Get distractions and temptations out of the way.Make It Public Establish goals to increase social support - and social pressure.One Goal At A Time Too many goals overwhelms willpower, especially for kids. Solidify one habit before adding another.Keep At It Dont expect perfection immediately. It takes time. There will be relapses. Thats normal. Keep reinforcing.More on developing good habits here.Step 7 Teach self-disciplineSelf-discipline in kids is more predictive of future success than intelligence - or most anything else, for that matter.Yes, its that famous marshmallow test all over again. Kids who better resisted temptation went on to much better lives years later and were happier.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parentspreschoolers ability to delay gratificationto wait for that second marshmallo wpredicts intelligence, school success, and social skills in adolescence. This is at least in part because self-discipline facilitates learning and information processing. In addition, self-disciplined kids cope better with frustration and stress and tend to have a greater sense of social responsibility. In other words, self-discipline leads not just to school success and sitting nicely at the dinner table but to greater happiness, more friends and increased community engagement.Whats a good way to start teaching self-discipline? Help kids learn to distract themselves from temptation.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsOne way to do it is to obscure the temptationto physically titelbild up the tempting marshmallow. When a reward is covered up, 75 percent of kids in one study were able to wait a full fifteen minutes for the second marshmallow none of the kids was able to wait this long when the reward was visible.More on increasing self-discip line here.Step 8 More playtimeWe read a lot about mindfulness and meditation these days - and both are quite powerful.Getting kids to do them regularly however can be quite a challenge. What works almost as well?More playtime.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsMost kids already practice mindfulness - fully enjoying the present moment - when they play. but kids today spend less time playing both indoors and out All told, over the last two decades, children have lost eight hours per week of free, unstructured, and spontaneous playPlaytime isnt just goofing off. Its essential to helping kids grow and learn.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsResearchers believe that this dramatic drop in unstructured playtime is in part responsible for slowing kids cognitive and emotional development In addition to helping kids learn to self-regulate, child-led, unstructured play (with or without adults) promoted inte llectual, physical, social, and emotional well-being. Unstructured play helps children learn how to work in groups, to share, negotiate, resolve conflicts, regulate their emotions and behavior, and speak up for themselves.No strict instructions are necessary here Budget more time for your kids to just get outside and simply play.More on the power of playing (for kids and adults) here.Step 9 Rig their environment for happinessWe dont like to admit it, but were all very much influenced by our environment- often more than we realize.Your efforts will be constrained by time and effort, while context affects us (and children) constantly.Whats a simple way to better control a childs surroundings and let your deliberate happiness efforts have maximum effect?Less TV.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parentsresearch demonstrates a strong link between happiness and not watching television. Sociologists show that happier people tend to watch considerably les s television than unhappy people. We dont know whether TV makes people unhappy, or if already unhappy people watch more TV. But we do know that there are a lot of activities that will help our kids develop into happy, well-adjusted individuals. If our kids are watching TV, they arent doing those things that could be making them happier in the long run.More non-television happiness activities are here.Step 10 Eat dinner togetherSometimes all science does is validate those things our grandparents knew all along. Yes, family dinner matters.This simple tradition helps mold better kids and makes them happier, too.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsStudies show that kids who eat dinner with their families on a regular basis are more emotionally stable and less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. They got better grades. they have fewer depressive symptoms, particularly among adolescent girls. And they are less likely to become obese or have an eatin g disorder. Family dinners even trump reading to your kids in terms of preparing them for school. And these associations hold even after researchers control for family connectednessMore on the power of family dinners here.Sum upHere are the 10stepsGet Happy YourselfTeach Them To Build RelationshipsExpect Effort, Not PerfectionTeach OptimismTeach Emotional IntelligenceForm Happiness HabitsTeach Self-DisciplineMore PlaytimeRig Their Environment For HappinessEat Dinner TogetherWere often more open to new methods when it comes to work and careers, but ignoring tips when it comes to family is a mistake.The most important work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes. Harold B. LeeI hope this post helps your family be happier.Join 45K+ readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Related postsGood Parenting Skills 7 Research-Backed Ways to Raise Kids RightHow To Have A Happy Family 7 Tips Backed By ResearchParent myths How much of what your parents told you was wrong?This article originally appeared at Barking Up the Wrong Tree.10 ways you can stop screwing up your kidsWhen you ask parents what they want for their kids, whats usually the most common reply? They want their children to be happy.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents. . . the well-being of children is more important to adults than just about anything else- health care, the well-being of seniors, the cost of living, terrorism, and the war in Iraq. More than two-thirds of adults say they are extremely concerned about the well-being of children, and this concern cuts across gender, income, ethnicity, age, and political affiliation.Now therestons of info on raisingsmart kidsandsuccessful kids, but how do you raisehappykids?Sometimes its hard to balance whats best for children with what makes them happy - but the two dont have to be mutually exclusive.Happier kids are more likely to turn into successful, accomplished adults.ViaRaising Happi ness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parentshappiness is a tremendous advantage in a world that emphasizes performance. On average, happy people are more successful than unhappy people at both work and love. They get better performance reviews, have more prestigious jobs, and earn higher salaries. They are more likely to get married, and once married, they are more satisfied with their marriage.So looking at the science, what really works when it comes to raising happy kids?Step 1 Get happy yourselfThe first step to happier kids is, ironically, a little bit selfish.How happy you are affects how happy and successful your kids are - dramatically.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsExtensive research has established a substantial link between mothers who feel depressed and negative outcomes in their children, such as acting out and other behavior problems. Parental depression actually seems to cause behavioral problems in kids it also makes our parenting less effective.And this is not merely due to genetics.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parentsalthough the study did find that happy parents are statistically more likely to have happy children, it couldnt find any genetic component.So whats the first step to being a happier you? Take some time each week to have fun with friends.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsBecause laughter is contagious, hang out with friends or family members who are likely to be laughing themselves. Their laughter will get you laughing too, although it doesnt even need to in order to lighten your mood. Neuroscientists believe that hearing another person laugh triggers mirror neurons in a region of the brain that makes listeners feel as though they are actually laughing themselves.More scientific methods for increasing your happiness here.Step 2 Teach them to build relationshipsNobody denies learning ab out relationships is important - but how many parents actually spend the time to teach kids how to relate to others?(Just saying Hey, knock it off when kids dont get along really doesnt go far in building essential people skills.)It doesnt take a lot.It can start with encouraging kids to perform small acts of kindness to build empathy.This not only builds essential skills and makes your kids better people, research shows over the long haul it makes them happier.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsMultiple sclerosis (MS) patients who were trained to provide compassionate, unconditional positive regard for other MS sufferers through monthly fifteen-minute telephone calls showed pronounced improvement in self-confidence, self-esteem, depression, and role functioning over two years. These helpers were especially protected against depression and anxiety.More on creating good relationships here.Step 3 Expect effort, not perfectionNote to perfectio nist helicopter parents and Tiger Moms cool it.Relentlessly banging the achievement drum messes kids up.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsParents who overemphasize achievement are more likely to have kids with high levels of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse compared to other kids.The research is very consistent Praise effort, not natural ability.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsThe majority of the kids praised for their intelligence wanted the easier puzzle they werent going to risk making a mistake and losing their status as smart. On the other hand, more than 90 percent of growth mind-set-encouraged kids chose a harder puzzle.Why? Dweck explains When we praise children for the effort and hard work that leads to achievement, they want to keep engaging in that process. They are not diverted from the task of learning by a concern with how smart they might - or might not - look.More on pra ising correctly here.Step 4 Teach optimismWant to avoid dealing with a surly teenager? Then teach those pre-teens to look on the bright side.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsTen-year-olds who are taught how to think and interpret the world optimistically are half as prone to depression when they later go through puberty.Author Christine Carter puts it simply Optimism is so closely related to happiness that the two can practically be equated.She compares optimists to pessimists and finds optimistsAre more successful at school, work and athleticsAre healthier and live longerEnd up more satisfied with their marriagesAre less likely to deal with depression and anxietyMore on how to encourage optimism here.Step 5 Teach emotional intelligenceEmotional intelligence is a skill, not an inborn trait.Thinking kids will just naturally come to understand their own emotions (let alone those of others) doesnt set them up for success.A simple first step h ere is to Empathize, Label and Validate when theyre struggling with anger or frustration.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsMolly I am SO SO SO MAD AT YOU.Me You are mad at me, very mad at me. Tell me about that. Are you also feeling disappointed because I wont let you have a playdate right now?Molly YES I want to have a playdate right NOW.Me You seem sad. (Crawling into my lap, Molly whimpers a little and rests her head on my shoulder.)Relate to the child, help them identify what they are feeling and let them know that those feelings are okay (even though bad behavior might not be).More on active listening and labeling (and how hostage negotiators use this) here.Step 6 Form happiness habitsWere on step 6 and it might seem like this is already a lot to remember for you - let alone for a child. We can overcome that with good habits.Thinking through these methods is taxing but acting habitually is easy, once habits have been established.How d o you help kids build lasting happiness habits? Carter explains a few powerful methods backed by researchStimulus removal Get distractions and temptations out of the way.Make It Public Establish goals to increase social support - and social pressure.One Goal At A Time Too many goals overwhelms willpower, especially for kids. Solidify one habit before adding another.Keep At It Dont expect perfection immediately. It takes time. There will be relapses. Thats normal. Keep reinforcing.More on developing good habits here.Step 7 Teach self-disciplineSelf-discipline in kids is more predictive of future success than intelligence - or most anything else, for that matter.Yes, its that famous marshmallow test all over again. Kids who better resisted temptation went on to much better lives years later and were happier.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parentspreschoolers ability to delay gratificationto wait for that second marshmallowpredicts intelligence, school success, and social skills in adolescence. This is at least in part because self-discipline facilitates learning and information processing. In addition, self-disciplined kids cope better with frustration and stress and tend to have a greater sense of social responsibility. In other words, self-discipline leads not just to school success and sitting nicely at the dinner table but to greater happiness, more friends and increased community engagement.Whats a good way to start teaching self-discipline? Help kids learn to distract themselves from temptation.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsOne way to do it is to obscure the temptationto physically cover up the tempting marshmallow. When a reward is covered up, 75 percent of kids in one study were able to wait a full fifteen minutes for the second marshmallow none of the kids was able to wait this long when the reward was visible.More on increasing self-discipline here.Step 8 More playti meWe read a lot about mindfulness and meditation these days - and both are quite powerful.Getting kids to do them regularly however can be quite a challenge. What works almost as well?More playtime.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsMost kids already practice mindfulness - fully enjoying the present moment - when they play. but kids today spend less time playing both indoors and out All told, over the last two decades, children have lost eight hours per week of free, unstructured, and spontaneous playPlaytime isnt just goofing off. Its essential to helping kids grow and learn.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsResearchers believe that this dramatic drop in unstructured playtime is in part responsible for slowing kids cognitive and emotional development In addition to helping kids learn to self-regulate, child-led, unstructured play (with or without adults) promoted intellectual, physical, social, and emotional well-being. Unstructured play helps children learn how to work in groups, to share, negotiate, resolve conflicts, regulate their emotions and behavior, and speak up for themselves.No strict instructions are necessary here Budget more time for your kids to just get outside and simply play.More on the power of playing (for kids and adults) here.Step 9 Rig their environment for happinessWe dont like to admit it, but were all very much influenced by our environment- often more than we realize.Your efforts will be constrained by time and effort, while context affects us (and children) constantly.Whats a simple way to better control a childs surroundings and let your deliberate happiness efforts have maximum effect?Less TV.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parentsresearch demonstrates a strong link between happiness and not watching television. Sociologists show that happier people tend to watch considerably less television than unhappy pe ople. We dont know whether TV makes people unhappy, or if already unhappy people watch more TV. But we do know that there are a lot of activities that will help our kids develop into happy, well-adjusted individuals. If our kids are watching TV, they arent doing those things that could be making them happier in the long run.More non-television happiness activities are here.Step 10 Eat dinner togetherSometimes all science does is validate those things our grandparents knew all along. Yes, family dinner matters.This simple tradition helps mold better kids and makes them happier, too.ViaRaising Happiness 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier ParentsStudies show that kids who eat dinner with their families on a regular basis are more emotionally stable and less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. They got better grades. they have fewer depressive symptoms, particularly among adolescent girls. And they are less likely to become obese or have an eating disorder. Family dinners e ven trump reading to your kids in terms of preparing them for school. And these associations hold even after researchers control for family connectednessMore on the power of family dinners here.Sum upHere are the 10stepsGet Happy YourselfTeach Them To Build RelationshipsExpect Effort, Not PerfectionTeach OptimismTeach Emotional IntelligenceForm Happiness HabitsTeach Self-DisciplineMore PlaytimeRig Their Environment For HappinessEat Dinner TogetherWere often more open to new methods when it comes to work and careers, but ignoring tips when it comes to family is a mistake.The most important work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes. Harold B. LeeI hope this post helps your family be happier.Join 45K+ readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Related postsGood Parenting Skills 7 Research-Backed Ways to Raise Kids RightHow To Have A Happy Family 7 Tips Backed By ResearchParent myths How much of what your parents told you was wrong?This article originall y appeared at Barking Up the Wrong Tree.